May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
