I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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