i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
