True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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