i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
