Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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