she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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