I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
