oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
