Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
