if i can run in heels then i can drive
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
