look no pants
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We have started to decorate penises.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
