my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
