God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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