so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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