He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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