Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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