if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
