They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It's shark week go big or go home
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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