He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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