Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
