I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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