you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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