I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
