I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
