if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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