After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
