Bisexual people are plain selfish.
im holly from the hills drunk
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
