I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
