I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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