then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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