i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
