Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
