Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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