I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
