Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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