wrigley field is MILF paradise
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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