I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
