I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
