OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
