last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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