wrigley field is MILF paradise
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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