respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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