I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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