____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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