i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
