highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
