In America we eat man semen.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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