He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
