totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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