I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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