It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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