If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
